So You've Decided to Become a Neocon....

Do you want to be a new-wave conservative, but not sure you can support Bush without vomiting. Just follow my new self-help guide and you'll be well on your way!!!!

1. Pretend the evil actions by one Arab, or a small group of Arabs, should be countered by the nuking of an entire country. If you've said that we should level Iraq the next time al Qaida attacks someone in Afghanistan, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You're well on your way to becoming a neocon.

2. Act as if Bush should not be impeached for sending children to die for a WMD's that aren't there, but become real belligerent that Clinton wasn't for lying about a BJ when they were investigating a completely unrelated land deal. Please remember, Bush was druggie alcoholic until he was 40, but don't worry, he found God!!!! He's exempt from normal moral platitudes in regards to lying, humility, and the poor, just like the rest of us!!!!

3. A lot of people can actually study economics, foreign policy, and complex domestic programs, but it takes a real straight-shooter to go on gut, and not some fancy-pants liberal education. Going to get more education is for complete pussies, just pretend you know Social Security will be bankrupt soon!!!! If someone asks for more details why you think that, just shrug and shake your head and say, "Look, I just know it will......you let President Godsend worry about the details." That should fix that un-patriotic hippie's wagon.

4. The Bible doesn't recognize fags, so why should you? The rational part of your brain tells you that homo's are real people with real feelings just like you or me, but the holy side of your brain tells the other side that its going to hell too if it doesn't straighten out. Listen, if God would've wanted butt pirates to marry, He would've said so, or at the very least told an angel to mention it to someone in the Bible. Maybe Matthew, or Jacob, or like Jerome or someone like that.....

5. Speaking of the bible, don't forget to just cherry-pick the parts you like, and leave the rest for complete morons!!!! If you like all the gay-hating parts of the bible, but don't care too much about taking care of the poor, then you're in luck, the Republican party is for you!!!! Remember, Jesus would want you to save the fetus, but he wouldn't want you to care about clothing or educating it, that's obviously someone else's problem.

Follow these quick, simple steps and you'll be the best Republican, like, EVER!!!!!